When I Look Behind

Posted on Apr 21, 2022

I’m lying on bed, my laptop on my legs. To my left, my Bible. To my right, my phone. It’s cold these days, it’s been raining, but most importantly, it’s silent in my flat tonight. I’ve been thinking aloud for a while and wanted to share some… memories?

The thing is that I’ve lost a bit of track coding… and also following FOSS news. Not that I’ve ever been a headline chaser trying to direct traffic to this blog… And coding? Well, I’m an amateur coder! I shouldn’t take myself so seriously… but hey, I’d love to make up my mind a bit on what I could work on in my spare time… I tend to code to solve problems I have and apparently, I have none right now?

So, instead, I’m remembering things. I guess having an appointment with my therapist yesterday may have had this effect. It was a great one.

I’m happy with where I am in life. Of course things could go better, but I’m happy. That ain’t something I could’ve said a year ago or let alone 5 years ago.

When I look behind I see so much stress in my life. I wanted to be everything! I also wanted to be somehow famous, live the glamorous life, and I actually experienced partying with very important politicians, but I had no real goal at all? OK, yeah, I did a lot of stuff… but all was so disperse… I tried getting into fashion photography which… I mean… I know the basics, and I know how to pull off a simple production, but that doesn’t mean I have talent for that! Most importantly… I wasn’t really interested in it, to begin with… The same I could say about Linguistics (did that to please my dad, to be honest)… Or trying to become a cultural influencer of sorts in the salsa scene because I wasn’t gonna become a pro dancer… No way; that life is super, super hard, and I just wanted to have some fun dancing. I was everything and nothing at the same time.

This is possibly the first time in my life that I feel stable. Not sure about where my steps will take me… but hey, it’s feels like a resting season, with a job that is weird as it can get but I love,1 and plans for the future.

As my therapist told me… and I do think she’s right on this one… I’m a grown up now. A bit too late, but here I am.

Seriously, guys, this is all new to me. The only feeling I knew for so long was escape. Escaping through getting wasted drunk almost all week long. Scared of everything and everyone… trying to get validation from everyone, while not being satisfied with any of it…

I don’t know… My priorities have shifted so much. I mean, I still get some twitches like getting a bit anxious because I haven’t written a real line of code2 in months… but hey, that’s my thirst for validation talking. Now I know it and just tell myself, hey, something will come up eventually, just relaaaxx 😌 There’s always time for those crazy initial stages of new projects.

Don’t get me wrong. I wanna do stuff, but I’ve learned that sometimes it’s OK not to know where things are leading to. I trust the Lord. It’s also natural, isn’t it? After so, so much waste of life and energy not truly concentrating on anything… maybe what I need right now is… not knowing and let things be.

It feels so good when you look behind and see that you left so much bad stuff behind. I feel relieved 😊

  1. “Hi! I’m the copyright manager and saleswoman for a publishing house” does raise an eyebrow or two when meeting someone! ↩︎

  2. I have written “upkeep” code, bug fixes, but no new projects… that’s what I mean by that. ↩︎