On Being Trans
I promise this will be my only post on this blog about this in a long time. If I’m writing this is just out of the need to settle a couple of things I feel are important. I hate talking about stuff I consider to be at the core of who I am, but I feel I have no choice? These days have been very tiresome in this aspect of my life and, honestly, I’m burned out.
I don’t hide I’m a transexual woman. I have no reason to hide that. I have no reason to advertise it either. There’s way too much pain, way too much suffering, situations in which I almost lost my life, and a whole universe of truly bad shit in my past that just make me not want to publicly talk about being trans.
In summary, I don’t like being trans. I wish I was a biological woman, period. Yet here I am, I was born in the wrong body (and yes, I love that metaphor, despite being very not PC nowadays), and had to go through lots of things to finally understand that my only chance to survive was to transition. I don’t hide being trans, but I don’t believe it makes any sense to feel proud of it. I do feel proud of what I’ve chosen, of what I’ve achieved, and of what I’ve learned… I can’t feel any pride of anything that was just an accident of nature.
I can’t be more grateful for the life I’m starting to build, with lots of help from many friends. I am also grateful for my genetics, because they’ve been very kind to me and have given me a body that is easy to make it transition to female… and I know that’s why I pass so much even if I’m at such an early stage in all of this. I know I’ve been very lucky in this.
Yet also, I never forget how everything felt pre-transition. How doing just a bit of sport raised my testosterone levels, leading to terrible suicidal thoughts due to dysphoria. How I did horrible things to my body when I was a teenager. How I ended up first in a cult, then in the grasps of alcoholism because all I wanted was to not be. How I thought that I was a monster.
I also try to never forget how all my girl friends were always trying to tell me something was going on with me. They didn’t have the concepts… Me neither… They knew and I knew I was one of them, but not in the gay friend way… When I came out, all of them said: “Everything makes so much sense now.” Socializing in the real world; that’s the real deal. That has always kept me grounded.
Online trans discourse is toxic as hell. It’s a total mess that goes against everything I’m fighting for in my life. Earlier today I had two “clashes” due to pronouns. I’m sorry, but a woman like me, who’s fought through hell to be seen like what she is won’t accept normalizing what essentially is… pointing at yourself with your finger and tell everyone something that is a source of pain for you. And non-trans people using this stuff is just… cringe. It doesn’t serve any real purpose outside the online world. It all feels like validating everything no matter what, with very little to none ground in reality… and then there’s a lot of people who I’m pretty sure are just afraid of going against the wave, afraid of being canceled or whatever.
All the misgendering, weird conversations, totally triggering, invasive stuff I get is online. Usually either from trans activists and non-trans people who have been fed the current narrative. Meanwhile, in the real world, for the people of Pamplona, which is one of the most conservative places in Spain, I’m just another girl almost every single time… OK, some people have slipped up occasionally… No big deal if it’s an accident (even though I do take the hit and might feel hurt… yet not offended…) But if a city like this has no trouble with understanding who I am, even Catholic priests being nice to me, I’m pretty sure this shows I’m on the right track.
For me, making things easy for the rest of the world, i.e. non-trans people, is a moral responsibility I’m willing to take. To get rid of my dysphoria, to the extent that is neurologically possible, I need to have as most people on my side. I need to offer a hand and collaborate. Of course there are assholes and transphobes and Pamplona itself is not precisely a totally LGBTQ-friendly place… But hey, you get what you give. If I don’t want (common, normal) people raising an eyebrow at me, I must do my homework. And believe me, it feels great doing it, because that effort makes me take steps towards feeling better in my own body. It’s a win-win.
Gender is important. I’m totally against the deconstructivist gender-abolitionist views that are in fashion these days. Telling someone like me that “Well, actually we should move towards a gender-less society” is straight-up telling me that the physical and mental pain I’ve gone through wasn’t real. It was and is real because there is a mismatch between whatever is in my brain/mind and my body. Gender roles and expression are a totally different conversation. And I feel way too many people online are just toying with very serious topics they don’t understand… and stuff I would never wish anyone went through.
I’m living a nice life now. It’s possible to live a fulfilling life being trans. It’s possible to overcome the harshest of conditions. If you’re a transexual, and feeling hopeless, hit me up… I feel you and you’re not alone! I know how hard it can be for some people… and how light it can be for others… and sometimes it’s just a couple of specific issues that are harder than others… Transitioning is anything but linear; that’s one of the earliest lessons I learned in my journey.
But I won’t ever allow our condition to be treated as a hip online thing or as an experiment on Applied Gender Critical Theory… Nope. People have died in the past, people are still being harrassed and injured and beaten up brutally in the present… last week in Valencia, for instance.
And to end this post, which I feel will take a toll on me… Ariadna is way more than trans. This blog shows that. I’m my projects, my dreams, my fears, my story, my bad jokes, my photos at hipster cafés… That “accident” of nature is just that and I like it to stay on the background, only putting it on the frontline when I feel is relevant. That being said, and feeling truly exhausted from writing this… my next post will probably be on dynamic libraries… because that’s way more fun.
Love you all, but my dear… I’m tired… 💖